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Is it time to give up?

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Expand view Topic review: Is it time to give up?

Post by smb518 » Mon Dec 08, 2008 10:49 pm

It sounds like you've done your best to heal the marriage, and now it's time to find some help and solace for you and your son.

I am so sorry.

Take care,


Post by Jessi » Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:40 pm

Thanks Keona, you have been so helpful and I appreciate it. I have tried so hard and have cried every single day for past six months. I really don't understand it all, but I guess this is just the way it is. I probably will never understand . . it's still all so hard to believe. I will eventually be okay. I have probably tried too hard for too long and let it consume me. I've been holding on hoping that one day I'd see a glimpse of the wonderful person I knew for years.
Adriane, I do have a son, he's my husband's stepson. He is 15 years old and has known my DH since he was a baby. We were friends for many years before we dated. When he was in elementary school when we first invaded Iraq, when we were only friends, he used to write letters to him all the time. He's lived with him since he was 9 years old. He looked up to him so much. When my husband decided he was leaving (for the first time) my son was at the beach. We had no fights, no problems that he could see (or that I could for that matter) and when he came home from the beach his stepdad was gone. That was in July. He has not seen or spoken to him since. My son felt very abandoned and hurt at first and now he's very angry. He has tried to call my DH several times and he will not take or return his phone calls. This is a 15 year old boy. He would've never done this to him before. It's just not right. I don't have a reason that's good enough to give him as to why he did this to him.
As for the CO, I told him that I did not want him or expect him to get involved in our marital issues, just that I wanted some help for my husband. I didn't say anything bad about him at all. I just explained things to him and told him that my DH's brother and father had noticed he was acting differently as well. He talked to me for 30 mins. I thought I was doing the right thing, but apparently he didn't take me seriously. I even talked to the chaplain several times before finally calling the CO. He's the one that recommended I call. My husband is going to be deployed to Afghanistan in May. I find that really sad. I find the whole situation so sad. I envy all of you that can come on here every day and talk about your future plans and think that that was supposed to be me too.

Post by keona » Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:21 pm

jessi i am so sorry about all of this, i feel like we have been with you since the start of this craziness. i dont think its healthy for you to try to hold on to a hurtful situation. i want you to find your happiness, and be able to walk away from this a stronger woman. I know it hurts and you may want to cry and shut down but just promise me that one day you will pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

Post by Adriane » Mon Dec 08, 2008 7:44 pm

Don't you have kids together? Is he in contact with them.

I can somewhat understand why the military is not taking your PTSD concern seriously. They take the soldiers side more or less in a divorce situation and they are probably thinking that you are trying to be ugly. Not to mention that they would think that he has been with the same soldiers day in and day out through OCS and BOLCII and that if he was having PTSD problems that they would notice. Granted they were not around him prior to this and do not know his normal being.

As advice for you, we cannot tell you whether to fight or not for your marriage that is all up to you, but it seems to me that if he is taking all of the steps he has that it really does not matter how much you fight it seems to be over.

As for where he will be after BOLCII prior to his BOLCIII(OBC) he will most likely need to report to his OBC location unless he has leave or is doing HRAP.

Keep your head up and start focusing on yourself and your children. Good luck with everything.

Post by Jessi » Mon Dec 08, 2008 5:58 pm

I came home from work today to a letter from the army telling me he designated someone else as the beneficiary on his life insurance. I guess they are required by law to tell me that. I can't believe it, I keep waiting to wake up one morning and have the bad dream be over! He also turned off his phone and got a new one, so I can't call him. Once he's done at BOLC II this week I will have no idea what state he's even in. He has a month or so off until his next school date. It is so sad, 6 months ago I would've never imagined this would happen. I think I'm all out of options now:( I really tried to do the right thing and it always seemed to make things worse :cry:

Post by Bethany_Anya » Fri Dec 05, 2008 4:49 pm

Were all here for you but you need to follow your heart on this. If it was me I would do anything and everything to hold on but its not me its you. If you ever need to talk to someone feel free to contact me my email is Good luck my prayers are with you.

Post by jcb1997 » Thu Dec 04, 2008 11:27 am

You need to do what you feel is right...only you can make that decision and only you have to live with it. I wish you the best.

Post by DarkMuse » Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:00 am

Sweetheart, we can not make that call for you. I am sorry that you all are having to go through all of this.


I sent you a pm.

Is it time to give up?

Post by Jessi » Thu Dec 04, 2008 9:40 am

Hey ladies (and gentlemen), looking for some advice. I posted months ago about my DH and I having marital problems during OCS. Well, things have only gotten worse since then. I got a lot of advice on PTSD, because I think he may be suffering from this, but he refuses to believe he needs help. He has turned from being the absolute best husband, a wonderful man, to be being a monster (sorry the only word I can think of to describe it) towards me. He is mean, says awful stuff and sometimes turns his phone off for days at a time and disappears. He hasn't spoken to my son, who is 15, since June before he left, and refuses to take or return his phone calls. He says the only thing he's knows how to do well is be a soldier and thinks about wanting to go back to Iraq every day. He did promise to get counseling, but never did, so I finally called the chaplain and then the Battaltion CO with my concerns, but I don't think I was taken seriously. I called the chaplain again yesterday to follow up and he said he would find out what they are going to do and call me back, but I haven't heard from him. Right now my DH is in BOLC II, but finishes in a week, so soon he'll be under yet another commander. I have tried everything I can because I do love my husband, even after all of the horrible things (I won't go into detail) he has done to me. I know that this person he is now is not the real him, this is a complete 180 from the person I've known for the past 15 years. I don't know what else to do now . . . should I just give up on him and move on? Most people I know would've walked (or run) away from all of this months ago, and maybe I'm an idiot for holding on, but I'm starting to think it's a hopeless situation. Does anyone else think it's time for me to give up on this?